Motherhood and Identity Loss: Finding Yourself Again
No one tells you that becoming a mother might mean losing sight of who you are.
Sure, people say, “Everything changes after a baby,” but often it is said with a smile — as if the change is only sweet. What many mothers experience, though, is something far more complex. Alongside love and joy, there is often grief, confusion, and a deep questioning of identity.
As a maternal mental health therapist, I hear this quiet pain from mothers again and again:
“I don’t know who I am anymore.”
The Invisible Shift
Before baby, you were someone — a professional, a friend, a partner, a hobbyist, someone with time and space to think, create, or rest. After baby, the demands are immediate and constant. Your schedule is no longer your own. Your body may feel foreign. Your name even changes — suddenly you’re Mom.
The transformation into motherhood is profound. It is physical, emotional, hormonal, and spiritual. But our culture treats it as if you should just “bounce back.” In reality, many mothers feel they’ve been turned inside out.
What Identity Loss Really Feels Like
Identity loss isn’t just about missing your old hobbies or clothes. It can feel like:
Disconnection from your passions or purpose
Changes in friendships or isolation from your community
Feeling emotionally or intellectually unfulfilled
A loss of spontaneity, freedom, or independence
A struggle to recognize yourself in the mirror — physically and emotionally
You may feel guilt for even having these feelings. Society tells us that motherhood should be fulfilling enough — but the truth is: you can love your child deeply and still long for the parts of yourself that feel lost.
Reclaiming and Rebuilding: A New Identity
Identity is not fixed. It evolves. And while motherhood changes you, it does not erase you.
Rebuilding your identity after baby is not about “getting back” to who you were. It is about integrating who you are now — honoring the past and welcoming the new.
Name What You Miss
Give yourself permission to say it out loud. Whether it is your career, your creative outlets, or alone time — naming it is the first step to reclaiming it.Reconnect with Your Passions in Small Ways
If you loved writing, try journaling one sentence a day. If you loved running, start with a 10-minute walk. These small actions are statements of identity: “I’m still me.”Seek Out “Whole-Mom” Friendships
Find people who see and support all of you — not just the mom part. Look for conversations that go beyond diapers and milestones.Get Support
Therapy can be a space to grieve, explore, and redefine who you are — without judgment. You don’t have to navigate this identity shift alone.
A Final Word to Mothers
If you feel lost right now, it doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're becoming.
There is no “right” way to be a mother. There’s only your way — and discovering what that looks like will take time, grace, and space. Be gentle with yourself. The you that existed before motherhood is not gone — she’s evolving, growing, and still very much within you.
And you are worth rediscovering.
At Collaborative Minds Psychotherapy, our therapist Gabrielle Moskovitz, specializes in maternal mental health. She is passionate about advocating for women's mental health access with issues such as infertility, pregnancy loss, postpartum anxiety and depression, and struggles with motherhood. Gabrielle is currently pursuing a Perinatal Mental Health Certification (PMHC) through PSI. Follow along @thecheftherapist on Instagram for tips, resources, and personal stories.
Asking for help can be scary, but we’re here to support you every step of the way! Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute call with our intake coordinator to learn more about our services.
