Coping With the Unknown: Why Uncertainty Feels So Unbearable—and What You Can Do About It
Unanswered texts. Health scares. Waiting to hear back after a job interview. Life is full of unknowns and for many of us, that’s a major problem. Uncertainty has a way of hijacking our thoughts, keeping us up at night and pulling us into cycles of worry, checking or avoidance. But why is uncertainty so hard to tolerate? And how can we learn to live with it without spiraling?
We’re Wired to Want Control
As humans, we crave certainty. It makes sense. Our brains are constantly trying to predict and prepare for what’s coming next. This was (and still is) a key survival skill. But when we don’t have enough information—when the future is murky—our minds start to fill in the blanks. And often, those blanks get filled with worst-case scenarios.
Uncertainty can feel threatening because it takes away our sense of control. The unknown leaves room for things to go wrong, and that discomfort is almost unbearable for many people. To manage that feeling, we often try to “solve” uncertainty through worry, avoidance or constant planning, although none of those reactions actually gives us the answers we’re looking for.
Uncertainty Feels Like a Threat—Even When It Isn’t
To the anxious brain, I don’t know what will happen feels as threatening as Something bad will happen. Our nervous system reacts similarly: Heart rate increases, muscles tense and our thoughts start racing. That’s why so many people engage in behaviors that feel helpful in the moment but actually make things worse over time, such as over-researching symptoms, asking for constant reassurance, ruminating or avoiding decisions altogether.
The problem? These short-term fixes feed the idea that uncertainty is dangerous and that we can’t handle it.
Building Tolerance for the Unknown
The goal isn’t to eliminate uncertainty; that’s impossible. Rather, the goal is to increase our capacity to live with it. Here are some strategies I often share with clients who struggle with the discomfort of ‘not knowing’:
Name It - When you feel that urge to control or overthink, pause and say, “I’m feeling uncertainty right now.” Naming it creates a bit of distance between you and the anxiety.
Challenge the “Need to Know” - Ask yourself: What am I hoping to gain by figuring this out right now? The answer is often emotional relief, not actual clarity. Noticing this can help you shift gears.
Practice “Maybe” Thinking - Instead of getting stuck in What if something bad happens? try: Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. I’ll do my best to handle it either way. This opens up mental flexibility and reinforces resilience.
Limit Reassurance-Seeking - If you find yourself constantly Googling, checking or asking others for reassurance, try delaying the behavior for just five minutes. This small pause weakens the habit and builds tolerance.
Use Mindfulness to Stay Present - Uncertainty pulls us into the future. Mindfulness gently brings us back to what’s happening right now—what we do know, what we can do and what is within our control.
You Can Handle More Than You Think
Tolerating uncertainty doesn’t mean that you enjoy it; it just means that you are building the muscles to be able to coexist with it. And like any muscle, this one strengthens with practice.
If you notice that your fear of the unknown is getting in the way of your life—making it hard to make decisions, causing frequent anxiety, or leading to compulsive behaviors like checking or avoidance—therapy can help. Learning to face uncertainty with compassion and courage is a core part of many evidence-based treatments, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).
At the end of the day, we can’t predict everything, but we can get better at living with the unknown.
